I’ve had many sad days. I tried to go back and read my 40 day journal and it hurt so bad. It was opening a wound.
Has that wound healed?
Not if it is spewing blood right now. Putting the pressure on it. Breathing deeply,
Having these words bounce around in my head-“in five years will this matter?” that’s a crappy attitude to have- it is like asking someone with a broken arm if in five years, will it matter? Well yes, your arm won”t ever be the same. You will always be cautious of how you use it, not to break it again, and predict the weather with how much pain you feel with the barometric pressure when the weather changes.
When something breaks it is forever broken. It sucks. My heart is broken. .I’m trying to get over it. Bandages do stop the bleeding but where is the healing? I don’t think I made it to the scar stage where what happened is five years down the road and just a memory. I mean right now I am gushing blood.
Fear that is what I have. Real fear. What if the bleeding doesn’t stop?
What if I never loose this fear?
I’m struggling. I am really struggling. I hate this, I hate that I am looking at my future – my unknown future. I want someone to tell me everything will be okay. I want to look in their eyes and know it is true.
What does God say about it?
“I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.”
Thank you God. |I am holding on to my Faith, my faith in God.
I have these good days and I have days that I am completely uncertain about tomorrow.
God also tells me that the things that happen here on Earth won’t matter when I get to Heaven.
To me that is like saying that problems don’t follow you on vacation-you just go there and leave it all behind.
That makes me smile.
Last night I asked baby girl if she would like to go to Hawaii on her birthday to learn how to surf and bake in the sun. Some sweet sixteen huh? I’d love to take her surfing on her birthday – Dec. 30th. I wanted her to think of being in a bikini in December. She couldn't think about that if she gave in to her lust and had life problems instead of her biggest decision is picking which bikini to wear for surf lessons.
I wasn't getting her hopes up- occasionally we dream dreams and it is fun. I want her to know we can dream- and one day our dreams will come true. I believe that, I believe that when you want something it will come to you, you might have to work hard to get it, but it is not too far from your reach. Dream the dream, see the goal. Have that hope.
A fantasy. But if in 8 weeks I am telling you that I am on a beach in Hawaii drinking a fruity drink and watching my 16 yr old surf – I will be praising God and basking in his presence and his love.
God does want good things for all of us. He is watching over us and I have faith about Him being the one that will make this pain a memory five years from now. Maybe even 8 weeks from now...
Thank you God for this amazing day.
I almost spent the whole evening going over 40 very hard days but after looking at a few days-God simply said, “close that, dont read it. That was yesterday."
Today is today.
Smile. Love. Laugh. Live.
Thank you God for God being good all the time!
A change in season and a change in me.
Grace and Mercy to you from God our Father.