God's Will week Six

Some days are lemons... 

Psalm 103: 15-16
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

I had a meeting with an elderly woman the other day who had been seeking me. She is a member of a group of mystics.
mys•tic/ˈmistik/
Noun: A person who seeks by contemplation and self-surrender to obtain unity with or absorption into the Deity or the absolute, or who believes in the spiritual apprehension of truths that are beyond the intellect.

She and I had a long conversation and it was very much like seeing an old friend and talking about like subjects. She wanted to give me condolences for my brother’s death. If you follow this blog, I am still grieving the loss of my brother. It is a wonderful thing when God sends the right messenger to give you words that uplift you and let you know you are not alone. It renewed my faith that we are all connected by a common thread and knowing that God hears our prayers. All we did was talk and it renewed me.

In today’s verse it helped me remember that the things here on Earth are temporary. Nothing is going to last. With every living thing there is a cycle, birth, life, death. I feel neurotic at times, and I can be overly dramatic about the events or things that happen in my life, but that is my personality. I exaggerate, mostly for fun.

Last week, a woman backed into the front of my car. When telling me she hit my car, she kept saying, “I hit the back of it.” I looked at the back of my car and said, “there was no damage.” She didn’t bother to take my hand and direct me to the front of my car, she meant she hit the back of her’s. I thought she was a little intellectually challenged, and I didn’t think any damaged was done, so I thanked her for telling me and got in my car and drove away. Looking back, she must have thought I was intellectually challenged too. Later in the day I approached my car from the front and saw the damage that was done. The grill had a big hole in it and there was a dent. Between me and my friends I was livid, I told the tale and felt a bit dumb for not getting it when she said, “I hit the back of it.”

I am wondering if the woman had 100 bad things going on in her life and she didn’t pay attention because of the stress she was under. I’m sure it took a lot of courage for her to tell me half of the truth, and for that half she got forgiveness. In all honesty, aside from the drama of telling the story, I wasn’t that bothered. I pulled the damaged part of the grill back out to fill back in the hole and the dent I will live with. The car is still drivable and the damage is small. I’m not usually someone with a quick temper, I absorb things then I react later. About the car incident I didn’t seek revenge or go back to see if there were witnesses, it really didn’t matter.

There are times in life when you have to go above your situation to not let it get to you, or cause you to do damage to someone else, or worse damage to yourself.

I know if the woman had taken my hand to the front of my car, I might have reacted the same way, just pulled the part of the grill out and told her no real damage was done. Sometimes people deserve mercy instead of anger. I’ve been trying to practice mercy and really mean it when I say, no real harm was done.
I would like to think God gives us the same mercy when we mess up. I want to know that God is slow to anger, and that he doesn’t sweat the small stuff. I hope that people will be able to see God in my actions. I am thankful that He is at work in my life teaching me to live in His will.

I don’t want to forget to tell God each day, thank you for letting me live this life and loving the people I share it with.

Grace and mercy to you, from God our Father.

God's Will week Five

I admit I’m neurotic at times. I admit I have random thoughts and say them out loud at the worst times. I admit I’m not a cookie cut gingerbread girl. I admit not everyone likes me or if they are jealous of me, they misjudge me.

If you looked at my calendar you would say, “wow, you are busy!”
Monday, Writers Group; Tuesday, Runners Club; Wednesday, Dance lessons; Thursday Wine tasting & live music; Friday, Karaoke at my friend Lisa’s house; Saturday local dancing with the Stars, Sunday, BBQ with my bible study group. I am one lucky girl!

But here is where I struggled this week, I’m lonely. I’m still grieving the loss of my brother. I’m sad. No one wants to be around you when you are sad. I’m lucky that when my private grief shows in public and I feel like crying all day and the emotions are out of my control, there are people around who will just give me a hug and not say anything. I am fortunate that I have had my job for a long time and the people I work with are my friends. I’m lucky too that my BFF noticed I am not myself, and she said I smile, but I’m not happy.

The guy I date, when he is in town (he lives 4 hrs away) doesn’t know me well enough to be supportive. He’s too self centered to see my socializing and not being alone is a need I have to get through this funk. So he and I don’t talk because of his insecurity, and this is no help to me.

Relationships take work, and when you invest in one, and it ends abruptly, it leaves a scar. My divorce this past year was difficult. My brother’s death left a deep scar. I invested in a relationship with him during his six years of incarceration, I had so much hope for our family to mend when he got out, and we had so much joy when we were together. His daughter, my niece, is pregnant and she is hoping for a boy so she can name him, Jason.  I am praying it will be a girl, not to dishonor my brother, but my heart is broken. My heart hurts to say my brother’s name. We will know next month the sex of the baby.  Either sex will be loved by me, and if it is a boy, I will be happy, and I'll give him a nickname. 

I was told I need an outlet for my emotions, a time each day to grieve alone, and do something physical to work all this out. I used to attend MMA live fights to scream my head off and that made me happy. There hasn’t been a live fight in a while, but I am doing physical activity and most importantly, I am leaving the house and getting away from the lonely sadness. I’m celebrating each day with my friends. I’m glad they notice I’m still a little sad, but it’s not about them, and this funk will pass. To my friends, thanks for being here and I love you, and thanks for loving me too. God always puts the right people in your life, and the wrong people too are a blessing in their own way. I’m really blessed.

Today’s verse tells me it’s ok to have a time to cry.

Psalm 84: 6-7
“When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of springs where pools of blessing and refreshment collect after rains! They will grow constantly in strength.”

Thank God for the sorry and grief, I don’t know what He has planned for my future, but I want His will for my life. If that means I have some bad days, I will have to let them happen and hold on to the promise that tomorrow will not be today. Sometimes my solitary life is my choice, and I think God is gracious to fill my life with people when I choose not to be alone.  I want to live the life God wants for me. 

Love and silent hugs to you.

God's Will week Four

I got to spend a whirl-wind week with my dad recently. We were busy everyday and the week flew by. Dads are great when they come over because since I am single, my dad is the guy who fixes things when he is visiting. Before he came up from Florida, he had made his own list of things to do and made sure he accomplished them before he left. My father is great to make sure that my home is secure and my handyman needs are taken care of.

I am very fortunate to be close to my father, we have a very loving and sharing kind of relationship. We talk on the phone at least once a week and there isn’t much that he can’t know about my life. Since Father’s Day is this weekend, I have my dad on my mind a lot more than usual.

I prepared him a snack box for father’s day and he is the kind of guy that is easy to shop for because he loves anything. This year I gave my gift to him some thought. He is always so busy thinking of what he can do for other’s he forgets to do for himself sometimes. He likes to make out like he enjoys all the chores he does, like yard work, or taking care of the house and the cars along with his full time daily job. I don’t doubt his sincerity, but when he was visiting he mentioned that he would like to begin to sketch again. So for Father’s Day I got him a few sketch pencils and a sketch book for him to get started. I didn’t bother with a card, I’m a writer so I usually write my own sentiments in a blank card. This year to my dad I wrote, “One of the best things I inherited from my dad is my imagination. My dad taught me that if I could imagine something, then there was no reason it couldn’t be real. If I could imagine, I could create and make my world what I wanted it to be. I love my daddy.

Happy Father’s Day!

My dad and I have created a lot of things together and along with creating things, if we were building something, drawing or painting, or putting together a puzzle, nothing ever was completed without it’s own set of trials. Maybe our perspective was off and lines were not perfect, but with everything there was learning, and acceptance if things came out differently than we expected.

I have a verse that applies to adversity and how my dad shared it with me,
Romans 5: 3-4
We also have joy with our troubles, because we know that these troubles produce patience. And patience produces character, and character produces hope.

I’m glad I had a great role model to help me with life situations and how to deal with almost any adversity- have a little hope and patience, and when you have a lot of it, be sure to share it.
Wishing you love of your Earthly father and letting you know that Our Heavenly Father is crazy about you too and delights in what you delight in and has sorrow for what you have sorrow for and will always be near with patience and hope.

Love to you.

God's Will Week three

Last week I wrote about character and how others can perceive our lives just by viewing our actions and words. I have had a week full of challenges. If you have ever put God to the test to prove himself to you, nothing can prepare you. If there was a warning would any of us heed it anyway?

I feel like a colt that is being broken to be a trained, obedient, loyal, horse. I’ve been putting up a good fight and stubbornly not giving in to submission. As a result, I am facing the consequences. I feel like God is up there watching me and saying, “Will you just do right?” and I am down here, defiant.

I wish I could blame someone else for my stubbornness, but I can’t. I am my own enemy. I know the mistakes I am making are my own. I think out situations in my head, and since I am a writer, on paper, I am in control of the situation, but in life, I goof things up. I want to know the outcome ahead of time, I want to be ok with life situations, and the choices I make, but I fall short time and time again.

My friends like to laugh at my mistakes and I know they are just trying to make light of a situation, but there is a lot of truth in what they say. Their humor is watching me react to situations and when everything goes south they laugh it up. Some friends right? I have one of two choices; keep doing the wrong thing or do the right thing.

In life when we do the right thing- nothing happens.
When we do the wrong thing- everything happens.

If I don’t smoke, I have 100% of airway usage, and no asthma.
If I smoke, I struggle breathing. I have asthma attacks. I am sick for months.
The answer is easy- don’t smoke.

If your life is really discontent, whatever you are doing, you have to realize that in making wrong choices, there are consequences.

I told someone the other day, I am seeking redemption from God. He told me I’ll never get it. Well, if I have his attitude, I might not. I do hope for redemption. I am a sinner and still being punished for every sin there is on earth, all the way back to Eve- her sin causes me to have painful childbearing. When God puts forth punishment there is no escape.

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Psalm 123:2
“We look to Jehovah our God for his mercy and kindness, just as a servant keeps his eyes upon his master… for the slightest signal”

I’m humble in this life God has given me to live, and I regret making choices that are not in God’s will for my life.

Seeking God’s will.