I am drawn to the wedding magazines at the book store. I think of weddings often, and one of my favorite things is to read the engagements of the couples. I am a romantic at heart. I adore weddings and bride photos. I contemplate if the early days of a couples life will be their best, before life and responsibilities enlarge their lives to expand beyond themselves. Marriage is a mystery to me. I have been married twice, but neither of them lasted forever. I wanted the lifelong partner, and I had thought that if a man asked a woman to marry him that lifelong was his intention too.
Marriage was not good to be and being single has been the best times of my life. As I get older I like being single more and more, but occasionally I get sentimental about marriage.
Over the past few months, I had gradually been spending more and more time with someone and did not notice love was happening as I began sizing him up. I felt his hands when he took things from mine. I stood close enough to him to smell his cologne. His appearance, often at the end of the day was dirty and sweaty. Nothing about him was exceptional – well almost nothing. Our conversations were in the presence of others and I began noticing that his eyes would capture something something inside of me and everyone else would disappear. Discussing normal day to day things would guide us to be alone, and that is when it occurred to me that we were reacting towards each other like magnets drawn closer and closer, and it became uncomfortable.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday that ended a year romance with someone he envisioned marrying. The woman decided on the break –up because she said when she saw him it didn’t feel like Christmas. I have never had love described as a holiday, and I would not have selected Christmas, but that is me.
I encouraged my friend to ask someone out this week and in his fragile condition he said he would rather be alone than feel the pain of the break-up ever again.
I remember all too well that end of the world, soul crushing, complete shatter of my heart, feeling he was having. Contemplating marriage, muddling my practical brain had to be diminished.
I thought of the life I have lived and to speak of it out loud sounds ridiculous. A third marriage is out of the question especially with my infatuation; a person who has not had the trials of life that I have had, and should have the chance to have his life differently without always explaining mine. With closer examination of the attraction, I predicted this romance would have the same conclusion as other romances of my past. I do not want to have the heartache again either. Perhaps I could be wrong about my non-existent third marriage, but in this matter, I give the choice solely to God.
If it is God’s will, he will make my groom shine above all doubt and diminish all of my insecurities of my past.
As for love, my only focus on a lasting love is the love I have with God.
I am grateful and thankful for all the love in my life and I am open to receiving.
“Lord, show your love to us as we put our hope in you.”