Wednesday, January 18, 2012
One of the most evident things about growing up is that life is no longer an illusion. We realize that the people around us are not who we thought they were. We are faced with the daily challenges that in our youth our parents tried so hard to keep hidden. Things really arent that different, we just see things we were told to look away from before.
My brother is in my thoughts a lot lately as the first anniversary of his death approaches. My sadness still comes and goes. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him. Its hard not to be able to call him when I want to talk to him. Through this time of my broken heart, I have examined love. I look at wedding photos. I read love stories. I have wondered if I had ever loved? I went to a funeral of a friend’s father, and I felt the overwhelming sadness of losing a loved one. I would have obsessed over this feeling but something else distracted me. In the line-up of pall bearers there was a man I loved when he was a boy and I almost married him. I have had a series of loves and losses since then. I realized that love isn’t something that can be contained. Love is a choice that we all make. Sometimes love is one of the hardest choices to make, but it can’t be forced. And when love isn’t there it can’t be ignored.
The last time someone told me they loved me, I wanted to scream in defiance, “How do you know? Everyone else who told me that before you, lied??”
But I fought my impulses and kept silent. In fear of me not hearing him, he repeated it, and that’s when I knew I should not have ever questioned it. It was true and genuine and he would fight for it with me.
Losing love can harden our hearts. I don’t want that to happen to me. Love is a choice I make every day.
Hebrews 5: 8
Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered.
I have a mantra this year, “God is good and all he does is Good.” Last year changed me, and as I go into this new year, I am different, I'm a litttle more grown, and still growing.
Good that can also come from loss.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
What do I have to say about my absence last week?
I was in prayer and in God’s care.
No, nothing bad happened. I had a good week. I tried not to let the memories of last year ruin the memories I made this year. I made it through with a lot of prayer. I had some lows but a whole lot more highs to balance things out.
The book of Exodus in the Bible talks about forgetting the pain and failures of the past and strain toward what is ahead, Life with Christ. I am taking a blind leap of faith and putting my future in God’s hands.
I am a worrier. I worry. I have a book that is 1001 things of whatever… I forget. But one of the 1001 things was to live each day like a new beginning and the last day on Earth.
With that thought I will share this verse:
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
A song by Ryan Adams is in my heart, "Do I Wait" here is a link.
It is sentimental of someone in your life that used to be fully in your life. I miss my brother, Jason.
I hope he is the first person I see when I get to heaven.