Fifty-eight

I admit these past few years and especially the last 5 months I have cried more tears, than I have in all my life. I wake up crying, I cry through the day and I cry myself to sleep.
I wake up and ice my face and go at it another day. Stupid broken heart!

I am telling you that not only was my heart broken, but my spirit also. I have given so much over to God, I know that he must think every morning-“here we go again” when I lift up my prayers and all my emotions I really have just unloaded it all.
I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful that I have God in my life and that He is God.
Praise God!
He is faithful even when we aren’t. When we lack courage, he doesn’t. When we are weak, he is strong. God has faith even when we no longer feel like we have it.

I still praised God. I still worship Him. I still love him. I give thanks to God.

I know it is God that sustains me. He has a way of using people in spite of themselves. Look at the life of Moses- He went through a lot when he was building the Ark. With God, he endured and completed the task set out for him to accomplish.

What kind of Ark is God asking from you?

I felt God asking me to share my trials on this blog and put forth a lot of prayer. Each day I go through stuff and I try to make sure the focus remains on God. Yes, these incredible things are happening to me, but they are happening to test my faith in God. The focus of my trials is how I allow God to do a work in them. I am not able to deal with a lot of the problems I am going through.

I struggle. I admit I am struggling everyday, I also know I still get to wake up every day and experience another one by the grace of God.

Today I can say I had such a blessed day. My husband and I spent time together this morning and we had a wonderful lunch together. He also made some time to put brakes on my car this afternoon – which I really needed. My daughter and I spent some time together and she shared with me some of the great memories we had when she was younger, like going to plays together. There is a play tomorrow night and she asked me if we could go together. I really don’t have the money to go, but when I shared this with my husband he offered to buy the tickets.

I am crying with joy, as I am writing this because these two people didn’t want to spend time with me a few months ago, now are being open about their feelings and we are truly enjoying each other’s company.

I wrote a few days ago about the Holy Spirit being able to fill someone with love, that had hardened their heart for you, if you will put it to prayer and give it up to God. Especially when that love is as important as love between a child and a parent and the love between spouses.

This separation from the two of them has really made my life turmoil. I questioned was I a good parent? Was I a good wife? Who am I without these two very, very important people that defined me so much? I had a lot of difficult days. I was truly broken.

Letting go and letting God is such a leap of faith. God’s faithfulness has never depended on the faithfulness of his children. Thank goodness. Thank God that his faithfulness is never changing.

God is greater than our weakness. I know that in my weakness I experienced God. I am experiencing God right now. God is good all the time. God is good in the bad times and God is good in the good times.
I am still very much my daughter’s mother, in every way, her living with her dad did not change that.
I am still married and love my husband, moving into an apartment and removing the wedding band from my finger did not change that.

I am still a parent and I am still a spouse. I am still me. I still need God.

Thank God for the blessings of this day. I feel love, have love and know love because God is here with me. Thank God for loving me and I hope today is the first of many that I will continue to see God’s hand on my life and guide me through the rough spots to these wonderful blessed days that erase the pain of days past.

Glory and praise to God!

A change in season, and a change in me.

May you experience the Grace and peace that comes from God our father.

Amen.