Sixty-two

Hebrews 12:15
"Look after each other so that not one of you will fail to find God's best blessings."

Most of the time when God speaks to me it is when someone, like my pastor or my friends in Christ speak on a topic, I hear what God is saying and the Holy Spirit convicts me of whatever is being spoke of. 

I am thankful for my friends and my pastor who can bring to my attention things that can change me to be what I am supposed to be. 

These are the times I come away from a conversation or a church service and feel blessed. 

God can bless us even in changing our lives and the lives of others.  It is when we do "look after each other"  blessings can come in some of the most unexpected ways.  I always like to have genuine goodwill for every one I come in contact with, and from that, even in difficult situations, we can come away with a blessing. 

Tonight I am going to a Tea Social- yes, a ladies tea.  My blessed friend Carmen is hosting it and with her I get to be with ladies that I don't usually spend time with, homeschooling moms.  When I told people I am going to a Tea, I got a lot of - You????  Yes, me.  Carmen and I have been friends for a long time but we enjoy a lot of laughter when we are together and I like her friends and friendship.

I always like to go to social places I get invited to, even if it may seem like I don't fit in there, but really why wouldn't I? 

I can experience the blessings of God in all things with anyone I meet. 

Step outside of your comfort zone of friendships and you never know if you have the opportunity to be that voice of God that someone else will hear, or if he will have them speak to you. 

Every encounter is an opportunity to experience God.

May you know one blessing today, and truly know without a doubt it is from God our father. 

A change in season and a change in me. 

Grace and mercy from God our father. 

Sixty-one

I had a really busy day.  Baby Girl was inducted into National Honor Society.  I was one proud momma.  I look at her sometimes and I see her strength and determination and I know she is one outstanding individual. 
I love her like no one else. 

this whole month I have been feeling love. 

I John 4:16
" We know the love that God has for us, and we trust in that love."

Give love and you get love. 

Love is sometimes hard.

Love can grow. 

Love can come from unexpected places. 

I hope you can experience love today.  I hope you can experience God's love.

Grace and Peace to God our Father. 

Amen. 

Sixty

I’ve had many sad days. I tried to go back and read my 40 day journal and it hurt so bad. It was opening a wound.
Has that wound healed?
Not if it is spewing blood right now. Putting the pressure on it. Breathing deeply,

Having these words bounce around in my head-“in five years will this matter?” that’s a crappy attitude to have- it is like asking someone with a broken arm if in five years, will it matter? Well yes, your arm won”t ever be the same. You will always be cautious of how you use it, not to break it again, and predict the weather with how much pain you feel with the barometric pressure when the weather changes.

When something breaks it is forever broken. It sucks. My heart is broken. .I’m trying to get over it. Bandages do stop the bleeding but where is the healing? I don’t think I made it to the scar stage where what happened is five years down the road and just a memory. I mean right now I am gushing blood.

Fear that is what I have. Real fear. What if the bleeding doesn’t stop?
What if I never loose this fear?

I’m struggling. I am really struggling. I hate this, I hate that I am looking at my future – my unknown future. I want someone to tell me everything will be okay. I want to look in their eyes and know it is true.


What does God say about it?

Jeremiah 29:11
“I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you.”

Thank you God. |I am holding on to my Faith, my faith in God.
I have these good days and I have days that I am completely uncertain about tomorrow.
God also tells me that the things that happen here on Earth won’t matter when I get to Heaven.

To me that is like saying that problems don’t follow you on vacation-you just go there and leave it all behind.

That makes me smile.
Last night I asked  baby girl if she would like to go to Hawaii on her birthday to learn how to surf and bake in the sun. Some sweet sixteen huh? I’d love to take her surfing on her birthday – Dec. 30th. I wanted her to think of being in a bikini in December.  She couldn't think about that if she gave in to her lust and had life  problems instead  of her biggest decision is picking which bikini to wear for surf lessons. 

 I wasn't getting her hopes up- occasionally we dream dreams and it is fun.  I want her to know we can dream- and one day our dreams will come true.  I believe that,  I believe that when you want something it will come to you, you might have to work hard to get it, but it is not too far from your reach.  Dream the dream, see the goal.  Have that hope. 

A fantasy. But if in 8 weeks I am telling you that I am on a beach in Hawaii drinking a fruity drink and watching my 16 yr old surf – I will be praising God and basking in his presence and his love.

God does want good things for all of us. He is watching over us and I have faith about Him being the one that will make this pain a memory five years from now. Maybe even 8 weeks from now...

Thank you God for this amazing day.

I almost spent the whole evening going over 40 very hard days but after looking at a few days-God simply said, “close that, dont read it. That was yesterday."

Today is today.
Smile. Love. Laugh. Live.

Thank you God for God being good all the time!

A change in season and a change in me.

Grace and Mercy to you from God our Father.

Fifty-nine

I have admitted that I have been really blessed these past few days. Tonight I went to see a play with my daughter and my husband. It was very nice. We used to go to the theater a. lot when my daughter was younger. She remembers. I’m very glad for the memories we made together and that they did make an impression on her. We really did have some fun.
My heart was very happy today.
Psalm 37:40
“ they trust in him.”
Reading the whole Psalms 37- I read it often and each time it speaks to me.

Two weeks ago me and my daughter had a very trying night. I had to discipline her for her actions. She had made a life changing decision and not only did it affect her it affected all of us that love her. I was angry when she and I talked. I let her know I was angry.

That was two weeks ago. We are in a different place right now. So different than where we were even four weeks ago. I feel the genuine love and affection returning between us.
For me it is a blessing that I am wanting to capture and hold it close everyday. Yes, there will be many more disagreements between us and she will make mistakes, but I will not love her any less. I will feel many more emotions but not loving her will not be one of them.

Godly parents do not stay continually mad with their children, just as the Lord shows us compassion and when we come to him with a need or a problem, God is the giver of peace, strength, and help in the time of trouble.

Trust is a big deal between me and God. Trust is a big deal between me and my daughter.

I read Psalm 37 and I read “trust in him”
Psalm 37: 39-40
“The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them because they take refuge in him.”

Thank you God for your grace and mercy. Thank you God for your love. Thank you for giving me the Bible to read and have hope in all that I read about God’s character.

I will trust in the Lord, my God, my refuge.

A change in season and a change in me.

Peace and Mercy to you from God our father.

Fifty-eight

I admit these past few years and especially the last 5 months I have cried more tears, than I have in all my life. I wake up crying, I cry through the day and I cry myself to sleep.
I wake up and ice my face and go at it another day. Stupid broken heart!

I am telling you that not only was my heart broken, but my spirit also. I have given so much over to God, I know that he must think every morning-“here we go again” when I lift up my prayers and all my emotions I really have just unloaded it all.
I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful that I have God in my life and that He is God.
Praise God!
He is faithful even when we aren’t. When we lack courage, he doesn’t. When we are weak, he is strong. God has faith even when we no longer feel like we have it.

I still praised God. I still worship Him. I still love him. I give thanks to God.

I know it is God that sustains me. He has a way of using people in spite of themselves. Look at the life of Moses- He went through a lot when he was building the Ark. With God, he endured and completed the task set out for him to accomplish.

What kind of Ark is God asking from you?

I felt God asking me to share my trials on this blog and put forth a lot of prayer. Each day I go through stuff and I try to make sure the focus remains on God. Yes, these incredible things are happening to me, but they are happening to test my faith in God. The focus of my trials is how I allow God to do a work in them. I am not able to deal with a lot of the problems I am going through.

I struggle. I admit I am struggling everyday, I also know I still get to wake up every day and experience another one by the grace of God.

Today I can say I had such a blessed day. My husband and I spent time together this morning and we had a wonderful lunch together. He also made some time to put brakes on my car this afternoon – which I really needed. My daughter and I spent some time together and she shared with me some of the great memories we had when she was younger, like going to plays together. There is a play tomorrow night and she asked me if we could go together. I really don’t have the money to go, but when I shared this with my husband he offered to buy the tickets.

I am crying with joy, as I am writing this because these two people didn’t want to spend time with me a few months ago, now are being open about their feelings and we are truly enjoying each other’s company.

I wrote a few days ago about the Holy Spirit being able to fill someone with love, that had hardened their heart for you, if you will put it to prayer and give it up to God. Especially when that love is as important as love between a child and a parent and the love between spouses.

This separation from the two of them has really made my life turmoil. I questioned was I a good parent? Was I a good wife? Who am I without these two very, very important people that defined me so much? I had a lot of difficult days. I was truly broken.

Letting go and letting God is such a leap of faith. God’s faithfulness has never depended on the faithfulness of his children. Thank goodness. Thank God that his faithfulness is never changing.

God is greater than our weakness. I know that in my weakness I experienced God. I am experiencing God right now. God is good all the time. God is good in the bad times and God is good in the good times.
I am still very much my daughter’s mother, in every way, her living with her dad did not change that.
I am still married and love my husband, moving into an apartment and removing the wedding band from my finger did not change that.

I am still a parent and I am still a spouse. I am still me. I still need God.

Thank God for the blessings of this day. I feel love, have love and know love because God is here with me. Thank God for loving me and I hope today is the first of many that I will continue to see God’s hand on my life and guide me through the rough spots to these wonderful blessed days that erase the pain of days past.

Glory and praise to God!

A change in season, and a change in me.

May you experience the Grace and peace that comes from God our father.

Amen.

Fifty-seven

I have a lot on my mind today. I feel a little greedy today. Greedy about things I want. Things I want to achieve and don’t know how to start. I spent time with my dad this weekend and I see his dreams about our business. I love my dad and I hope that we get to see his dream come true in the near future. When someone has a dream that has lasted all my life, I am full aware of what it will take. I want to be greedy about it. I want to take his ideas and make them come true. I can’t do it on my own. I don’t have the resources. I don’t have the knowledge.
He has been making incredible paper models of our product. He brought me one this weekend. I put it on my kitchen table and I pick it up and examine it every time I pass by. I want to see his creation in metal and glass. During the weekend we talked about him passing down is information to me.
I want that. I want to be able to spend the time with my father to make his dream and his work a reality. I hate that his last project didn’t go as well as we would have thought. I know that my mistake there was my commitment to it.
Years ago we had a thriving fish hatchery. We raised fresh water angel fish and tilapia. I could not tell you the thousands – maybe millions of babies we raised from eggs the fish laid. We could have done more marketing and put ourselves out there a little more and still have a thriving hatchery to meet the demand for the fish hobbyist. I was pregnant at the time and just couldn’t commit to it as I should have, if I could have seen the potential that was there and just let it pass us by.

Now I see my dad as a skilled artist in building unique fish tanks and I want to sell what he creates.
I feel greedy for knowledge to be able to do what we need to do to market and sell his designs. He has so much talent and I maybe bias but he is incredible and I would like for him to be recognized for his talent. This week I am feeling greedy for my father. I would like him to be successful.

I made  Orb Edge the company sponsor for my scarecrow this year. It was a surprise for my dad. He was so proud to see the name of our business on the sign in front of my scarecrow. That pride is a big deal to me.
I
 wrote an article about my dad and I am hoping that we will get some response from it and be financially able to go into full production in the new year on a mainstream product.
Big dreams. I need big support. I am going to put these dreams to prayer. I need some knowledge of where to begin and where to go each step of the way. Times are tough and asking this of God is a big deal. I am sending out my desire in a faith prayer.

Psalm 37: 23-29
23 If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
24 though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
They will be protected forever,
but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;
29 the righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.

In these verses I have hope that God knows every step ahead of me and he is ordering everything pertaining to my life, my family and my needs, so all I need to do is trust in Him for everything.

Fifty-six

Today I am still thinking about my family. I really like it that my dad is still supportive of me now that I am an adult. When he comes to visit, I get that feeling of being a kid and I look up to him like I always have. I was a daddy’s girl. Not in a way that he gave me everything that I wanted but in the way that we were close. My dad has always been the one to talk and I have always been the one to listen.
Things I like about my dad:
1. He’s interesting. We talk about things that I don’t talk about with anyone else- like the universe, the periodic table, geometry, levels of consciousness, and other things that would be odd with someone else.
2. He’s handy. He has tools and knows how to use them.
3. He is upbeat most of the time.
4. He’s full of ideas.
5. We watch the same television shows without knowing until later when we ask if the other saw the show.
6. He accepts me. And likes to spend time with me.
7. He is well liked by his peers and mine.
8. We give and take.
9. He will take time to explain things.
10. He loves me.
I had the opportunity to spend time with my daughter and my dad at the same time and during breakfast we were talking about going treasure hunting- like panning for gold on the west coast, or searching for rare gems that we like to think are just laying around for the taking. Somehow the subject went to how important chemistry is and how chemistry could relate to everything on the breakfast table and learning the periodic table. I always told my daughter that the periodic table was like having a class photo of your friends and the photo never changed but once you knew everyone in the picture’s name and where they were in the photo- you were set. (I know what kind of nerd I am to say that the elements in the periodic table are my friends) But I turned to my daughter and asked her what our favorite element is? I could see her thinking and I blurted it out – Au! It came out sounding like “HEY YOU!” we all started laughing, and I asked her what the element was and she answered, “Gold” I was a proud parent. Corny I know, but the three of us got it without having to explain it. Those are the moments that I cherish.
I really enjoyed having the two of them visit together. They talk to each other and have a bond that is nice to see.

Romans 5:5
“God has given us the Holy Spirit, who fills our hearts with his love.”

Love endures. Love that comes from the Holy Spirit is a perfect love. I know I can be difficult and I drove my dad crazy growing up and he worried about me a lot, but one thing that never changed was his love for me. I hope I give my daughter the same love.

God is just like that. He nourishes what is right and he gave love first and taught us love.

If you have someone in your life you once loved and now think that you can’t love that person anymore, or they don’t love you anymore, don’t give up on that person, give it to prayer and put your name on every prayer list you can find and ask everyone you know to pray along with you for the Holy Spirit to bring back the love you once knew. God loves with a perfect love even when we do not. Loving someone and having them love you is a gift of the Spirit.

Today I talked with someone that is in love and didn't realize it, someone that is looking for love, and someone who is too in love with someone they should not be with and someone said they didn't love another. 
Love doesn't have to be that complicated, but most of the time it is. 

I'm praying for each of these people and also for my own love life.  I am blessed to know love.

Thank you God for love. Thank you for your love and for teaching us love and for the love that fills us from the Holy Spirit.



A change in season and a change in me.