Thursday, June 23, 2011
God's Will week Five
I admit I’m neurotic at times. I admit I have random thoughts and say them out loud at the worst times. I admit I’m not a cookie cut gingerbread girl. I admit not everyone likes me or if they are jealous of me, they misjudge me.
If you looked at my calendar you would say, “wow, you are busy!”
Monday, Writers Group; Tuesday, Runners Club; Wednesday, Dance lessons; Thursday Wine tasting & live music; Friday, Karaoke at my friend Lisa’s house; Saturday local dancing with the Stars, Sunday, BBQ with my bible study group. I am one lucky girl!
But here is where I struggled this week, I’m lonely. I’m still grieving the loss of my brother. I’m sad. No one wants to be around you when you are sad. I’m lucky that when my private grief shows in public and I feel like crying all day and the emotions are out of my control, there are people around who will just give me a hug and not say anything. I am fortunate that I have had my job for a long time and the people I work with are my friends. I’m lucky too that my BFF noticed I am not myself, and she said I smile, but I’m not happy.
The guy I date, when he is in town (he lives 4 hrs away) doesn’t know me well enough to be supportive. He’s too self centered to see my socializing and not being alone is a need I have to get through this funk. So he and I don’t talk because of his insecurity, and this is no help to me.
Relationships take work, and when you invest in one, and it ends abruptly, it leaves a scar. My divorce this past year was difficult. My brother’s death left a deep scar. I invested in a relationship with him during his six years of incarceration, I had so much hope for our family to mend when he got out, and we had so much joy when we were together. His daughter, my niece, is pregnant and she is hoping for a boy so she can name him, Jason. I am praying it will be a girl, not to dishonor my brother, but my heart is broken. My heart hurts to say my brother’s name. We will know next month the sex of the baby. Either sex will be loved by me, and if it is a boy, I will be happy, and I'll give him a nickname.
I was told I need an outlet for my emotions, a time each day to grieve alone, and do something physical to work all this out. I used to attend MMA live fights to scream my head off and that made me happy. There hasn’t been a live fight in a while, but I am doing physical activity and most importantly, I am leaving the house and getting away from the lonely sadness. I’m celebrating each day with my friends. I’m glad they notice I’m still a little sad, but it’s not about them, and this funk will pass. To my friends, thanks for being here and I love you, and thanks for loving me too. God always puts the right people in your life, and the wrong people too are a blessing in their own way. I’m really blessed.
Today’s verse tells me it’s ok to have a time to cry.
Psalm 84: 6-7
“When they walk through the Valley of Weeping, it will become a place of springs where pools of blessing and refreshment collect after rains! They will grow constantly in strength.”
Thank God for the sorry and grief, I don’t know what He has planned for my future, but I want His will for my life. If that means I have some bad days, I will have to let them happen and hold on to the promise that tomorrow will not be today. Sometimes my solitary life is my choice, and I think God is gracious to fill my life with people when I choose not to be alone. I want to live the life God wants for me.
Love and silent hugs to you.