I have not wrote in this blog in over a year. I fought feverously to be independent and thought I could be. I had second job took up all my free time. I can remember going months without having a single day I did not work. I had some major life changes and I’ve been in a process of void. I cannot fully explain what that entails, but it had a lot to do with taking some “me” time. I have Asthma and that caused me to have a lot of health issues, I call it God telling me to slow down, because while I was sick my life got really slow. Home every night. No second job. I couldn't afford rent. And if that was not enough, my car is constantly having engine trouble. My daughter had moved away to college and I learned to depend on my boyfriend, which was a struggle for me since the divorce.
I didn’t write or visit this blog because even though I tried to remain positive on this blog while going through two very different periods of grief, my divorce and my brother’s suicide, it was hard for me to revisit that pain. I was in a very fragile state. I know I could write here, without reading the beginning, but to see that date 2009 when I started this and knowing it’s four years later from when I started the “Extraordinary year” and never completed my commitment to write a whole 365 days. My divorce was final Sept. 7 2010, but because of my ex-husband’s spite, (which I do not comprehend, because he got exactly what he wanted) I still to this day have to deal with him. Of course this has been a thorn in my side that I have begged and begged to have removed, but remains these three years later for a reason I cannot understand. My divorce will not be final for me until I no longer have to be in contact with him.
If you have the opportunity to know me, you would know that I have moments of spontaneous prayer. I love it. Whenever the feeling hits me I pause and pray, sometimes to others amusement – out loud. Most of these times, I have noticed the prayers have been complaints. “Lord, woe is me, blah, blah, blah, I give this over to you, in Jesus name, amen.” Life is sometimes bigger than us and we have to experience whatever “it” is to get through "it" and I have no problem sharing "it" with God.
I may have mentioned a few times about gratitude, but I don’t think I have mentioned it enough. Gratitude takes a bit of insanity, because to say I’m grateful for the most difficult times, when said out loud , “I’m grateful I just hit a 40 lb opossum with my car, and boy oh boy the front end of my car is unique now, ”(my car is low to the ground its like driving a go cart around) or “I’m grateful that part that gave out on my car is $1,200.00 not including labor to install it,” well it does sound a little crazy. These are real things that happened to me in the last twenty days. – If you did not catch it- these are also woe is me things.
I spent the day with a friend of mine, and just before I left, she said, “it has been a joy and delight to spend the day with you.” I love her, but we do not talk to each other like that. I said back, “what the …?” She said, “I’m trying to be more positive. How did I do?” “Sincere,” I said,” if you meant it.”
It’s hard to have intentional gratitude; it is a work in progress. I have a new mantra, “I’m thankful and grateful.” I say this at least 20 times a day. I say it out loud, because I believe it is contagious.
Danielle Laporte said we are all energy and are able to change our surroundings with our words.
“Emitting energy” can be such an abstract term to get a hold of, but if we imagine that our consciousness has a fragrance, if we visualize that our words, our gaze, our thoughts have a scent, then the concept starts to land. And then maybe we become more aware of what we’re emanating — or what’s left behind after we leave the room.
Her article, "The scent of consciousness," is here. It is worth the read.
I am writing today because last week I came back to this blog and shared it with two of my friends who are separately dealing with different struggles I have experienced- one, a separation from a child and the other a divorce. I know I couldn’t tell either of them I know how they are feeling, without expressing that I had been where they are now. I am thankful and grateful that I started this 365 day journey and four years later, I am still not done with it, because more appropriately my walk with God is 365 days a year- every year not just one.
I have a lot to heal under God’s care. I know I refer to my car trouble a lot, but this is how slow my life is, I crunched up the drivers side of my car a year ago, (a pole happened to be there when I pressed the gas petal instead of the brake) and seriously it has taken me a year to save up the $500.00 deductable. I have had to learn so much in this SLOW season of my life.
I’m thankful and grateful that you stopped in to read this today, I hope you have the peace that comes from God knowing the reason things don’t happen fast is because they are not supposed to happen to us all at once!
“Patience is better than strength.” Proverbs 16:32