Hello 2013

I have not wrote in this blog in over a year.  I fought feverously to be independent and thought I could be.  I had second job took up all my free time.  I can remember going months without having a single day I did not work.   I had some major life changes and I’ve been in a process of void.  I cannot fully explain what that entails, but it had a lot to do with taking some “me” time.  I have Asthma and that caused me to have a lot of health issues,  I call it God telling me to slow down, because while I was sick my life got really slow.  Home every night.  No second job. I couldn't afford rent. And if that was not enough, my car is constantly having engine trouble. My daughter had moved away to college and I learned to depend on my boyfriend, which was a struggle for me since the divorce. 

I didn’t write or visit this blog because even though I tried to remain positive on this blog while going through two very different periods of grief, my divorce and my brother’s suicide, it was hard for me to revisit that pain.  I was in a very fragile state.  I know I could write here, without reading  the beginning, but to see that date 2009 when I started this and knowing it’s four years later  from when I started the “Extraordinary year”  and never completed  my commitment to write a whole 365 days. My divorce was final Sept. 7 2010, but because of my ex-husband’s spite, (which I do not comprehend, because he got exactly what he wanted)  I still to this day have to deal with him.  Of course this has been a thorn in my side that I have begged and begged to have removed, but remains these three years later for a reason I cannot understand.  My divorce will not be final for me until I no longer have to be in contact with him.

If you have the opportunity to know me, you would know that I have moments of spontaneous prayer. I love it. Whenever the feeling hits me I pause and pray, sometimes to others amusement – out loud.  Most of these times, I have noticed the prayers have been complaints. “Lord, woe is me, blah, blah, blah, I give this over to you, in Jesus name, amen.”  Life is sometimes bigger than us and we have to experience whatever “it” is to get through "it" and I have no problem sharing "it" with God. 

I may have mentioned a few times about gratitude, but I don’t think I have mentioned it enough.  Gratitude takes a bit of insanity, because to say I’m grateful for the most difficult times, when said out loud , “I’m grateful I just  hit a 40 lb opossum with my car, and boy oh boy the front end of my car is unique now, ”(my car is low to the ground its like driving a go cart around)  or “I’m grateful that part that gave out on my car is $1,200.00 not including labor to install it,” well  it does sound a little crazy.  These are real things that happened to me in the last twenty days.  – If you did not catch it- these are also woe is me things.  

I spent the day with a friend of mine, and just before I left, she said, “it has been a joy and delight to spend the day with you.”  I love her, but we do not talk to each other like that. I said back, “what the …?” She said, “I’m trying to be more positive. How did I do?”  “Sincere,” I said,” if you meant it.”

It’s hard to have intentional gratitude;  it is a work in progress.  I have a new mantra, “I’m thankful and grateful.”     I say this at least 20 times a day.  I say it out loud, because I believe it is contagious.

Danielle Laporte said we are all energy and are able to change our surroundings with our words. 

“Emitting energy” can be such an abstract term to get a hold of, but if we imagine that our consciousness has a fragrance, if we visualize that our words, our gaze, our thoughts have a scent, then the concept starts to land. And then maybe we become more aware of what we’re emanating — or what’s left behind after we leave the room.

Her article, "The scent of consciousness,"  is  here.  It is worth the read.   

I am writing today because last week I came back to this blog and shared it with two of my friends who are separately dealing with different struggles I have experienced-  one, a separation from a child and the other a divorce.  I know I couldn’t tell either of them I know how they are feeling, without expressing that I had been where they are now.  I am thankful and grateful that I started this 365 day journey and  four years later, I am still not done with it, because more appropriately my walk with God is 365 days a year- every year not just one.   

I have a lot to heal under God’s care.  I know I  refer to my car trouble a lot, but this is how slow my life is, I crunched up the drivers side of my car a year ago, (a pole happened to be there when I pressed the gas petal instead of the brake) and seriously it has taken me a year to save up the $500.00 deductable.  I have had to learn so much in this SLOW  season of my life. 

I’m thankful and grateful that you stopped in to read this today, I hope you have the peace that comes from God knowing the reason things don’t happen fast is because they are not supposed to happen to us all at once!       

“Patience is better than strength.” Proverbs 16:32

Sophie

THREE WORD WEDNESDAY

Draft; noun: A preliminary version of a piece of writing; a plan, sketch or rough drawing; compulsory recruitment for military service; a current of cool air in a room or other confined space; verb: Prepare a preliminary version; pull or draw; adjective: Denoting beer or other drink that is kept in and served from a barrel or tank rather than from a bottle or can.


Locate; verb: Discover the exact place or position of; place within a particular context; establish oneself or one's business in a specified place.

Serenity; noun: The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.


Is that you, or Sophie?

Sometimes I see you in my cat, Sophie- a boy cat. Sophie is a prankster. Yesterday he hid beneath the dining room table and as I walked by, Sophie jumped and knocked a glass of chocolate milk from my hands. The milk went everywhere and Sophie turned back to look at the empty glass spinning on the hardwood floor, only as if to snicker as he ran to escape my cursing that filled the room. A few minutes later, Sophie sat at my feet as I rinsed the glass in the kitchen sink. He sits not facing the cabinet or me, he sits watching the rest of the kitchen like a protector to make sure nothing comes up behind me, watching and waiting. Sophie started biting his nails. Unusual for a cat, but every evening, he will sit upright with his back propped on a pillow against the couch and bites and pulls at his front paw nails until satisfied. I’ve taken to biting my nails too. I didn’t used to. I do a lot of things I didn’t used to do, since you’ve been gone.

Occasionally, I feel you in the room with me. If I didn’t think you were re-incarnated as Sophie, I’d hope she could see you when I don’t. There isn’t a draft in the whole house. It is sealed up tight. I could not mistake the wind for your ghost passing through the room. I know when you are there. You are like Sophie, hiding in wait, one day you will show yourself and I will certainly be surprised and fling everything I am carrying through the air, and you will laugh. We will both think it is funny . I would love to hear your laughter again. Knowing you are near is my serenity. I miss you; I love you, brother.

God's will week Thirty-Three

One of the most evident things about growing up is that life is no longer an illusion. We realize that the people around us are not who we thought they were. We are faced with the daily challenges that in our youth our parents tried so hard to keep hidden. Things really arent that different, we just see things we were told to look away from before. 

My brother is in my thoughts a lot lately as the first anniversary of his death approaches. My sadness still comes and goes. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him. Its hard not to be able to call him when I want to talk to him. Through this time of my broken heart, I have examined love. I look at wedding photos. I read love stories. I have wondered if I had ever loved? I went to a funeral of a friend’s father, and I felt the overwhelming sadness of losing a loved one. I would have obsessed over this feeling but something else distracted me. In the line-up of pall bearers there was a man I loved when he was a boy and I almost married him. I have had a series of loves and losses since then. I realized that love isn’t something that can be contained. Love is a choice that we all make. Sometimes love is one of the hardest choices to make, but it can’t be forced. And when love isn’t there it can’t be ignored.

The last time someone told me they loved me, I wanted to scream in defiance, “How do you know? Everyone else who told me that before you, lied??”
But I fought my impulses and kept silent. In fear of me not hearing him, he repeated it, and that’s when I knew I should not have ever questioned it. It was true and genuine and he would fight for it with me.
Losing love can harden our hearts. I don’t want that to happen to me. Love is a choice I make every day.

Hebrews 5: 8
Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered.

I have a mantra this year, “God is good and all he does is Good.” Last year changed me, and as I go into this new year, I am different, I'm a litttle more grown, and still growing. 
Good that can also come from loss.

God's Will Week Thirty-two

What do I have to say about my absence last week?
I was in prayer and in God’s care.

No, nothing bad happened. I had a good week. I tried not to let the memories of last year ruin the memories I made this year. I made it through with a lot of prayer. I had some lows but a whole lot more highs to balance things out.

The book of Exodus in the Bible talks about forgetting the pain and failures of the past and strain toward what is ahead, Life with Christ. I am taking a blind leap of faith and putting my future in God’s hands.
I am a worrier. I worry. I have a book that is 1001 things of whatever… I forget. But one of the 1001 things was to live each day like a new beginning and the last day on Earth.

With that thought I will share this verse:
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
A song by Ryan Adams is in my heart, "Do I Wait" here is a link.
It is sentimental of someone in your life that used to be fully in your life.  I miss my brother, Jason. 
I hope he is the first person I see when I get to heaven. 

God's Will Week Thirty- one

  This is what I got for Christmas last year. 

I spent Christmas day with my dad and my brother.  They had not seen each other in over six years.  I was blessed last year to spend the day with the three people I love the most in the world, My dad, my brother, and my daughter (who took the picture)  I was so blessed, with this priceless gift.  If you read this blog, you know I lost my brother in Febuary; this Chistmas he will still be with us, forever joined in love.   

This year I have been blessed with so much. Yes, memories of having my brother home last year make me a little sad, but I get overwhelmed with how much love I still feel when I have those memories.  Christmas day this year will include a handful more of people.  Instead of a feeling of void, I am looking forward to sharing  the day with even more people I love, and in return they love me back. 

Its great to hear the words, "WE are going to get through this." 

Last week I had the trial of having my car not crank. The engine would spin but not crank.  The car is 8 yrs old and has been well taken care of and only had 54,000 miles on it.  I thought it was the starter going bad.  Not risking the car not cranking at home I drove it to the dealership as soon as it started after four tries.  Mid-morning I got a call from the service department and I heard, "You need a new engine."  After I hung up the phone I wanted to lay in the floor for awhile and contemplate my life while I figured out where the money for this engine would come from. I am already working two jobs and my budget is streached beyond what I make.  I was overwhelmed. 

Laying comatose in the floor is what I wanted to do.  What I did was, lock myself in the bathroom at work and got on my knees and prayed.  I must have been in there for 30 min in constant prayer turning it over to God.  I didnt come out until I heard over the PA that I had a call.  It was the dealership again, bracing myself for more bad news, I answered.  The voice on the other end of the phone said, "Mazda is going to replace the engine. You will need to pay for the new spark plugs." 

You can imagine the elation I had!  I said, "Thank you God!" immediately and returned to my knees once again. 

Not only did God provide for a new engine, he also provided me with a carpool to and from work- for both jobs since I am without a car until the first of the year.  When I get the car back it will be like having a new car. 

God does meet our needs.  In this time of gift giving, someone asked me, "What do you want for Christmas?"  This year I do not want for anything.  I have a very blessed life and I know that all of it came from God.  Even in the difficult situations, God is ever present and I am ever present with Him. 

Psalm 119:147
Early in the morning, before the sun is up, I am praying and pointing out how much I trust in you.

I will celebrate the birth of Jesus.  Birthdays are kind of a big deal.  Me and my BFF celebrate our B'days all month long in the month of August.  I celebrate Jesus' birthday with the ones I love through Advent.  I give  my child advent gifts to open; one everyday to remind her of the gift God gave to all of us, JESUS. 
I made three advent package gifts this year, I gave one to my daughter, one to my boyfriend's daughter to share with her sisters, and one to a sweet child of a co-worker.  I know what an impact these can make in a life and children share with their friends. These Advent gifts work as a ministry, sometimes its not about how many people you reach, its about reaching the right lives, the lives who Jesus is seeking and those seeking him.

Santa is cute in his red and white, as a symbol of the season, but what I believe in is not Santa; I believe in Jesus and that he was born. I'm posting this four days before Christmas.  I have been celebrating Jesus' birth for the past 21 days and counting... Merry Christmas to you and yours.   

God's Will week Thirty

“Let your Haters be Motivators!” I read this quote this morning. I like it. Sometimes confrontations with others can get the best of us. Then all that is left is the worst of us and that “worst” isn’t pretty. I have a co-worker who has little patience for calls from the public. She gets very irritated when people hem and hum and umhhhaam before they get to what they wanted to say. She said it wastes her time. I understand, I take these same calls. I realized that a lot of these people are lonely and can keep someone on the phone for an extended period of time to talk to someone. I have sense of developing relationships with customers, sure I may only see them a short 2-5 minutes, but within that time I have small conversations. I’ve noticed that a lot of people purchase things from us that are solitary activities. There is not a day that goes by that someone gets excited when I ask what they are making. I enjoy seeing pictures of what people make and I am able to appreciate the work that goes into making anything.

I notice that some of my customers are hoarders. They will admit it. They buy things that they will not use, but have to purchase just to have. I’m guilty of it myself. I sometimes get a glimpse into tiny places they don’t let anyone else see. These tiny places are happy places.

How can this bring out the worst in me? I lose my patience. A full day of questions, can really wear someone down. I noticed on the weekly report, I had over 600 people come through my register. Sometimes I lose patience with the volume of items that people purchase. 100 sheets of paper that are sold individually and are all different can take a little time to ring up. Or several hundred Christmas ornaments can make me a little impatient. My attitude can drastically affect the people around me.

The other day I lost my patience. I was short with someone. I had a bad attitude. I said some things I shouldn’t have said. I told someone I couldn’t do what they asked me to do. I lost control. I had to repeat myself over and over. I’m sure I would have been punished if my boss had seen me. It was probably posted all over the social networks what a bad cashier I am, within minutes of the confrontation. “Good manners is measured in how we are able to deal with others who don’t have any manners.” I admit I was a horrible example of anything resembling good manners.
In my position I am to see this in others and intervene. No one intervened in my situation. I was in the wrong. There is a feeling of guilt that I can’t seem to shake. Its knowing that I can’t right the wrong. I don’t get a do over.

Today’s verse:
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.”
Colossians 3:23

Remember that Christ is ever present.

I am thankful for God’s mercy and grace, especially the times when I am someone who gives little grace or mercy to others and am not deserving. I don’t like being the person, others hate.

God's Will Week Twenty- Nine

frightened sad happy surprised angry

anxious jealous joyful annoyed excited

tired proud confused worried scared

afraid bored grumpy nervous cheerful

lonely loving embarrassed guilty shy

silly curious

Above is 27 emotions.

Last week I had every one of these.

Which equaled one big

CRY.
Thanks Eve.

If you read this blog you noticed I was absent last week. I tried to get a grasp on something, anything to write the blog. I read my bible, I prayed. I had emotions, but I couldn’t get to where I wanted to be to write the blog. I always remind myself, what I write is about recognizing God’s will.

Last week God wanted to search my heart as I searched for Him.

There are times of solitude, but I also know these times are when God is close, ever present, taking care of what we are not able to handle in our moments of being human.
I never got a grasp on what to write last week.
This week I want you to check out the biblical reference to the “12 days of Christmas”

http://www.crivoice.org/cy12days.html

Keep Christ in Christmas.