God Leads

 

I am drawn to the wedding magazines at the book store.  I think of weddings often, and one of my favorite things is to read the engagements of the couples.  I am a romantic at heart.  I adore weddings and bride photos.  I contemplate if the early days of a couples life will be their best, before life and responsibilities enlarge their lives to expand beyond themselves.  Marriage is a mystery to me.  I have been married twice, but neither of them lasted forever.  I wanted the lifelong partner, and I had thought that if a man asked a woman to marry him that lifelong was his intention too.   

Marriage was not good to be and being single has been the best times of my life.  As I get older I like being single more and more, but occasionally I get sentimental about marriage. 

Over the past few months, I had gradually been spending more and more time with someone and did not notice love was happening as I began sizing him up.  I felt his hands when he took things from mine.  I stood close enough to him to smell his cologne.  His appearance, often at the end of the day was dirty and sweaty.  Nothing about him was exceptional – well almost nothing.  Our conversations were in the presence of others and I began noticing that his eyes would capture something something inside of me and everyone else would disappear.  Discussing normal day to day things  would guide us to be alone, and that is when it occurred to me that we were reacting towards each other like magnets drawn closer and closer, and it became uncomfortable. 

I had lunch with a friend yesterday that ended a year romance with someone he envisioned marrying.  The woman decided on the break –up because she said when she saw him it didn’t feel like Christmas.  I have never had love described as a holiday, and I would not have selected Christmas, but that is me. 

I encouraged my friend to ask someone out this week and in his fragile condition he said he would rather be alone than feel the pain of the break-up ever again. 

I remember all too well that end of the world, soul crushing, complete shatter of my heart,  feeling he was having.  Contemplating marriage, muddling my practical brain had to be diminished. 

I thought of the life I have lived and to speak of it out loud sounds ridiculous.  A third marriage is out of the question especially with my infatuation;  a person who has not had the trials of life that I have had, and should have the chance to have his life differently without always explaining mine.   With closer examination of the attraction, I predicted this romance would have the same conclusion as other romances of my past.  I do not want to have the heartache again either.  Perhaps I could be wrong about my non-existent third marriage, but in this matter, I give the choice solely to God. 

If it is God’s will, he will make my groom shine above all doubt and diminish all of my insecurities of my past. 

As for love, my only focus on a lasting love is the love I have with God. 

I am grateful and thankful for all the love in my life and I am open to receiving. 

“Lord, show your love to us as we put our hope in you.”

-Psalm 33:22

You and Me Collide

I was reading this story “the Dating Coach” written by Brandon Stanton who has a wildly popular website Humans of New York (HONY)  It is a great story.  Brandon is someone I read often.  Check HONY out.  

 This is my favorite part of the article: 

“You know why I find you interesting?” I asked.
“Why’s that?”
“Because you take charge of chaos.” I paused to form my thoughts, then continued: “This city is so random and chaotic. There are so many people, and so many opportunities. But most people just hope that chaos will spin their way. They hope that they will be in the right place, at the right time, and will meet the right person. They hope that if they keep with their routine, they will somehow collide with something good. But you force these collisions. You collide with everything around you. “
“Wait,” said John. “Say that last thing again.”
“You force collisions. You collide with everything around you.”
“I love how you said that. You are really intelligent.” John seemed very sincere. ”I mean seriously, you are like a philosopher. You are definitely somebody I would like to hang out with again.”

---

“I normally try to validate a person as soon as I can,” said John. “Everyone wants to be validated.”

Brandon didn’t leave NY to find his adventure, he does the same thing John does when he interviews people and takes their pictures; he collides with the people around him, where he lives.  

  

I want to collide with others the same way.  When I was more social I was charismatic and interacted often.  I was used to being the stranger in a room and the person to make others feel at ease and I always found people to be very interesting. Making friends was easy. My life now is more family and work centered. 

Today I examined my greetings with each human interaction and validated each person.  I recognized voices on the phone, called people by name before they introduced themselves and if I talked to a stranger, I wrote their name down immediately so I could say their name when I said goodbye before I hung up.   Validating others is a good practice.

Luci Swindoll’s first chapter in her book, “Doing Life Differently”  is titled, Capturing the Journey.  She told a story about meeting people in a tribe in Africa, and she was so interested in each person, that she did not see the flies, or the dirt, or feel the heat, she just saw the people.  I want to think she saw souls, souls she wanted to collide with. 

I have been wanting to travel to have adventures, but maybe, like the dating coach, Brandon, and Luci,  I am supposed to collide right where I am.  Notice the small things- sometimes small things in someone else’s life – well, they are really BIG. 

A small thing someone might notice about me today; I have pink paint in my hair.  Not a lot, but enough. How can a drop of paint in my hair be something BIG?  I am painting a portrait of my daughter.  Painting is my hobby.  I never paint portraits.  It is my first.  Maybe it will be something big.  Oh the possibilities!

Be joyful always; pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5: 16-18

What Next?

There is a lingering question that battles with the obvious everyday life that I exist in, and that question is, "what next?"  This is not about the after Earth human existence, this is about the today happens, then what next?  As in tomorrow...
I am increasingly loosing my memory.  I have always blocked out time on purpose, a lot of things (in my opinion) that are not worth remembering, I effortlessly forget.  I do envy people who can remember the 6th grade and the events that happened wherein.  I do not remember such things. In a discussion about roller coasters, I rememberd the last one I rode was in Virginia and I couldn't remember the name of the park, was it Kings Island or Kings Dominion.  Remembering the park has never been very important to me, but I am noticing more and more  these days I am having less memory.  I keep a calendar to mark events and little things to pass the time.  I paint, I read, I create something. In my life there is a void I need to fill. I need to do some things worth rembering.  I gifted myself  Luci Swindoll's book, " Doing Life Differently."
" The key to living a rich and joyful life is to seek out adventure... you choose to do life differently" - Luci Swindoll

I don't have the resources that she had in her life, I only have the expectation of something great happening.


Just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and buildt up in him, strengthened in faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.- Colossians 2: 6-7

Thankful and Grateful for all things - even the loss of things.  Amen.

Hello 2013

I have not wrote in this blog in over a year.  I fought feverously to be independent and thought I could be.  I had second job took up all my free time.  I can remember going months without having a single day I did not work.   I had some major life changes and I’ve been in a process of void.  I cannot fully explain what that entails, but it had a lot to do with taking some “me” time.  I have Asthma and that caused me to have a lot of health issues,  I call it God telling me to slow down, because while I was sick my life got really slow.  Home every night.  No second job. I couldn't afford rent. And if that was not enough, my car is constantly having engine trouble. My daughter had moved away to college and I learned to depend on my boyfriend, which was a struggle for me since the divorce. 

I didn’t write or visit this blog because even though I tried to remain positive on this blog while going through two very different periods of grief, my divorce and my brother’s suicide, it was hard for me to revisit that pain.  I was in a very fragile state.  I know I could write here, without reading  the beginning, but to see that date 2009 when I started this and knowing it’s four years later  from when I started the “Extraordinary year”  and never completed  my commitment to write a whole 365 days. My divorce was final Sept. 7 2010, but because of my ex-husband’s spite, (which I do not comprehend, because he got exactly what he wanted)  I still to this day have to deal with him.  Of course this has been a thorn in my side that I have begged and begged to have removed, but remains these three years later for a reason I cannot understand.  My divorce will not be final for me until I no longer have to be in contact with him.

If you have the opportunity to know me, you would know that I have moments of spontaneous prayer. I love it. Whenever the feeling hits me I pause and pray, sometimes to others amusement – out loud.  Most of these times, I have noticed the prayers have been complaints. “Lord, woe is me, blah, blah, blah, I give this over to you, in Jesus name, amen.”  Life is sometimes bigger than us and we have to experience whatever “it” is to get through "it" and I have no problem sharing "it" with God. 

I may have mentioned a few times about gratitude, but I don’t think I have mentioned it enough.  Gratitude takes a bit of insanity, because to say I’m grateful for the most difficult times, when said out loud , “I’m grateful I just  hit a 40 lb opossum with my car, and boy oh boy the front end of my car is unique now, ”(my car is low to the ground its like driving a go cart around)  or “I’m grateful that part that gave out on my car is $1,200.00 not including labor to install it,” well  it does sound a little crazy.  These are real things that happened to me in the last twenty days.  – If you did not catch it- these are also woe is me things.  

I spent the day with a friend of mine, and just before I left, she said, “it has been a joy and delight to spend the day with you.”  I love her, but we do not talk to each other like that. I said back, “what the …?” She said, “I’m trying to be more positive. How did I do?”  “Sincere,” I said,” if you meant it.”

It’s hard to have intentional gratitude;  it is a work in progress.  I have a new mantra, “I’m thankful and grateful.”     I say this at least 20 times a day.  I say it out loud, because I believe it is contagious.

Danielle Laporte said we are all energy and are able to change our surroundings with our words. 

“Emitting energy” can be such an abstract term to get a hold of, but if we imagine that our consciousness has a fragrance, if we visualize that our words, our gaze, our thoughts have a scent, then the concept starts to land. And then maybe we become more aware of what we’re emanating — or what’s left behind after we leave the room.

Her article, "The scent of consciousness,"  is  here.  It is worth the read.   

I am writing today because last week I came back to this blog and shared it with two of my friends who are separately dealing with different struggles I have experienced-  one, a separation from a child and the other a divorce.  I know I couldn’t tell either of them I know how they are feeling, without expressing that I had been where they are now.  I am thankful and grateful that I started this 365 day journey and  four years later, I am still not done with it, because more appropriately my walk with God is 365 days a year- every year not just one.   

I have a lot to heal under God’s care.  I know I  refer to my car trouble a lot, but this is how slow my life is, I crunched up the drivers side of my car a year ago, (a pole happened to be there when I pressed the gas petal instead of the brake) and seriously it has taken me a year to save up the $500.00 deductable.  I have had to learn so much in this SLOW  season of my life. 

I’m thankful and grateful that you stopped in to read this today, I hope you have the peace that comes from God knowing the reason things don’t happen fast is because they are not supposed to happen to us all at once!       

“Patience is better than strength.” Proverbs 16:32

Sophie

THREE WORD WEDNESDAY

Draft; noun: A preliminary version of a piece of writing; a plan, sketch or rough drawing; compulsory recruitment for military service; a current of cool air in a room or other confined space; verb: Prepare a preliminary version; pull or draw; adjective: Denoting beer or other drink that is kept in and served from a barrel or tank rather than from a bottle or can.


Locate; verb: Discover the exact place or position of; place within a particular context; establish oneself or one's business in a specified place.

Serenity; noun: The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.


Is that you, or Sophie?

Sometimes I see you in my cat, Sophie- a boy cat. Sophie is a prankster. Yesterday he hid beneath the dining room table and as I walked by, Sophie jumped and knocked a glass of chocolate milk from my hands. The milk went everywhere and Sophie turned back to look at the empty glass spinning on the hardwood floor, only as if to snicker as he ran to escape my cursing that filled the room. A few minutes later, Sophie sat at my feet as I rinsed the glass in the kitchen sink. He sits not facing the cabinet or me, he sits watching the rest of the kitchen like a protector to make sure nothing comes up behind me, watching and waiting. Sophie started biting his nails. Unusual for a cat, but every evening, he will sit upright with his back propped on a pillow against the couch and bites and pulls at his front paw nails until satisfied. I’ve taken to biting my nails too. I didn’t used to. I do a lot of things I didn’t used to do, since you’ve been gone.

Occasionally, I feel you in the room with me. If I didn’t think you were re-incarnated as Sophie, I’d hope she could see you when I don’t. There isn’t a draft in the whole house. It is sealed up tight. I could not mistake the wind for your ghost passing through the room. I know when you are there. You are like Sophie, hiding in wait, one day you will show yourself and I will certainly be surprised and fling everything I am carrying through the air, and you will laugh. We will both think it is funny . I would love to hear your laughter again. Knowing you are near is my serenity. I miss you; I love you, brother.

God's will week Thirty-Three

One of the most evident things about growing up is that life is no longer an illusion. We realize that the people around us are not who we thought they were. We are faced with the daily challenges that in our youth our parents tried so hard to keep hidden. Things really arent that different, we just see things we were told to look away from before. 

My brother is in my thoughts a lot lately as the first anniversary of his death approaches. My sadness still comes and goes. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him. Its hard not to be able to call him when I want to talk to him. Through this time of my broken heart, I have examined love. I look at wedding photos. I read love stories. I have wondered if I had ever loved? I went to a funeral of a friend’s father, and I felt the overwhelming sadness of losing a loved one. I would have obsessed over this feeling but something else distracted me. In the line-up of pall bearers there was a man I loved when he was a boy and I almost married him. I have had a series of loves and losses since then. I realized that love isn’t something that can be contained. Love is a choice that we all make. Sometimes love is one of the hardest choices to make, but it can’t be forced. And when love isn’t there it can’t be ignored.

The last time someone told me they loved me, I wanted to scream in defiance, “How do you know? Everyone else who told me that before you, lied??”
But I fought my impulses and kept silent. In fear of me not hearing him, he repeated it, and that’s when I knew I should not have ever questioned it. It was true and genuine and he would fight for it with me.
Losing love can harden our hearts. I don’t want that to happen to me. Love is a choice I make every day.

Hebrews 5: 8
Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered.

I have a mantra this year, “God is good and all he does is Good.” Last year changed me, and as I go into this new year, I am different, I'm a litttle more grown, and still growing. 
Good that can also come from loss.

God's Will Week Thirty-two

What do I have to say about my absence last week?
I was in prayer and in God’s care.

No, nothing bad happened. I had a good week. I tried not to let the memories of last year ruin the memories I made this year. I made it through with a lot of prayer. I had some lows but a whole lot more highs to balance things out.

The book of Exodus in the Bible talks about forgetting the pain and failures of the past and strain toward what is ahead, Life with Christ. I am taking a blind leap of faith and putting my future in God’s hands.
I am a worrier. I worry. I have a book that is 1001 things of whatever… I forget. But one of the 1001 things was to live each day like a new beginning and the last day on Earth.

With that thought I will share this verse:
Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.
A song by Ryan Adams is in my heart, "Do I Wait" here is a link.
It is sentimental of someone in your life that used to be fully in your life.  I miss my brother, Jason. 
I hope he is the first person I see when I get to heaven.